The other side of the mirror

I have a couple of friends that like to mirror allot. It’s not about being vein, it’s more about mirroring behaviour to create a rapport. When I like blue they like blue, then grey or green. They do, suggest to feel or want just as I do. My initial thoughts have been that one side of this is a compliment, that these people must think I have good taste. The other side is frustrating, as I wonder why they can’t have an original thought of their own? Or is it really about that at all?

I also know people that take mirroring to another extreme. I call it “two sheds”. It basically means that when you talk about something you own or have, these people tell you they have an even better story, experience or bigger possession then the one you’ve just talked about or show-cased.

“I’ve got a shed in my back yard…”
“Oh really, I have two! And my sheds have blah blah blah…”

And what’s more, these types of people will always be sure to make mention of the item they know you’ve got in your shed but they’ve got the latest greatest one.

Whether it’s about sheds, men’s watches, the recent house purchase or even down to how much better their baby stroller is, this kind of mirroring is in my books is rather distasteful and in allot of cases, quite vulgar.

It’s a recognized psychological fact that mirroring body language can create rapport. Whether you’re in a board room, meeting someone for the first time or sitting next to someone at a bar; we can make it easier to create a link and a bond with the person if we mirror them. Most of us do it naturally, an innate reaction to the person you are interested to impress, sell to, influence or get into the sack. Fact. I’ve done it and I see people do it all the time in business. However, I now realising it’s time to take the blinkers off in the social world.

Rapport means literally, “The relation of mutual understanding or trust and agreement between people”. To build a space where we both, all feel comfortable with each other.

The other side of the mirror being used to build rapport is that it becomes a tool for men to carry in their imaginary man bags. Allow me to explain. And again, if you are not conscious of this, you soon will be once you have your next encounter.

With allot of men I’ve dated or some men that have wanted to become my surrogate boyfriend, I’ve had a common compliant that they are incapable of following through with anything.



“…..oh yeah, I want to start in life in Singapore, let’s do that.”
“….oh yeah, I’d love to do that cooking course with you, let’s do that”
“…oh yeah, I’m made keen on the Phuket Triathlon idea, let’s do that”
“….oh yeah, I’m doing a triathlon next year, let’s do that together”
“….oh yeah, I’m a writer, I’ve written 2 books and onto a third, I’ll show you…”
“…..oh yeah, I always planned to spend a year in Africa, let’s do that together…”
“….oh yeah, I love martini’s, in fact I’ve got two chilled glasses in my fridge….”
“….oh yeah, you just made duck curry, it’s my absolute favourite too, let’s do that together….”
“….oh yeah, I’ve always wanted to hike Mt Koto Kinabalu, let’s do that …..”
“…oh yeah, I’d love to catch up, let’s have dinner next week end…."


….. oh yeah…. I’m still waiting…. Well, not really, I’ve got on and done these things myself or with friends. But there I was thinking that we had so much in common, such a great connections, but they must have not liked me enough to follow through. And maybe they didn’t, but it’s far more apparent to me now that these men are masters of the mirror and had no intention on taking action. Their real motivation was purely to get me to desire them. What makes me laugh, is one of the Mr Oh Yeah's who said he was doing a triathlon wrote on his Face Book recently that “he’d prefer to do two hours of any other sport then go for a run”. Never a truer word spoken of a triathlete!

My friend Spencer said it perfectly the other day, talking about his new lady,
“…. I like this girl because she told me to F off and didn’t listen to my bullshit. Because Fleur, to be frank, it’s so easy to get what you want with women, you’ve just got to tell them what they need to hear….”

Whilst this does not apply to all men, a rather large proportion of the males species say all these “magic” words to create a space for us mere mortal woman to walk into. Then the game is on for men to have their way.

Now that I’ve cottoned on to this and I can sit back and have a giggle about what I’ve perceived as being “such wonderful connections”, a real giggle in fact. I have to admit, I did believe them; so that either makes me an A grade sucker or a very nice person, for time after time, I thought these men were as passionate as I was about the things that mattered to me. Mr Do Bee, holding the magic mirror, might tell me to get my head out of my ass right about now and just recognise it for what it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBxeCV0bIcU

When I was in the business of “fixing people” who were the lost dogs, I used to tell them to stand in front of the mirror naked and take a good look at them and recognise the who you are today.

This is an exert from a letter I wrote;

“I always say, "every day is a school day" – and right now you’re learning the survival module of the course. Interestingly though, I’ve learnt that survival doesn’t have to mean to endure loneliness nor does it mean to be deprived of intimacy. Of course there is a fine line here because of what we think we are emotionally capable of, but again, it’s all about learning. So while your learning these new lessons, take some time to have a good look at you. The mirror will reveal to you that extra grey hair in your goaty, that your left nipple is hanging slightly lower than normal (probably because it’s been tugged on a lot lately), a slightly cracked smile that is actually beautiful, or just that the creases between your eye brows are looking more pronounced. This is potentially how you’ll look for a while - potentially. But I encourage you to acknowledge your current shape now because I can assure you that some time soon, with some patience and opening yourself up to accepting a lot of support and love that is on offer around you - you’re your smile will be super wide, that belly will push out an addictive and contagious laugh, your smile lines will be deep, you torso strong, your nipple upright and those balls will be clutching up again repetitively …… and all with out effort or pain. You will have found your balance and your peace.”

If I was still in the “fix it” game, I would tell the Mr Oh Yeah’s to go have a good look, as the mirror doesn’t lie – it will not show an image of a man standing there decked out in a Robert Redford safari suit, in brand new trainers, wearing a chefs hat, sipping on a Martini and holding two tickets to Borneo. Rather, appreciate what you see, with all of your natural, native colours, and when you next meet a beauty, tell her about that. Surely the prize can still be won this way, maybe even more?

It is funny how much women obsess over how they look. Fixating over their appearance, causing anxiety and personal exhaustion to keep what they see in the mirror looking just right all in the name of desire. Yet, why has it not been exposed that there is a crusade of men, nationwide, globally in fact, that are all as desperate to change the “look in the mirror” because of something they want…. to be desired?

Boy, girl, man, woman, scare, strong, buff venier exterior, soft as a marsh-mellow interior, boobs, balls, bums and a whole lot of wonderful colours. And with your partner, you just might find that you have an abundance of similarities when you are brave enough to stand in front of the mirror together.

The other side of this is now that I’ve got new eyes with mirrors, my dating life may be completely ruined, or I could actually stop wasting time with the disingenuous. So if you spot me yawning across the table whilst on a date, you know I’ve clocked him as a Mr Oh Yeah, and just maybe after I shake off the yawn, I’ll have some fun with it and see how much mirroring he’s really prepared to do! This could be fun, or incredibly evil. I’ve always loved Tourvil and Dean….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2zbbN4OL98

When we stand in front of the mirror we are all relatively the same you know. It’s how we behave when we are not in front of the mirror that is the key. Or as the great Michael Jackson said "...if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make a change....." Such a great song....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgtWIx2zLtk


Fleur
TBS