The other side of translation

What do they say; men are from Mars, woman are from Venus? I think it goes a step further, I think we all talk different languages, and I’m not referring to French or Italian or Big Sheila.

I have a French business associate who until tonight, I didn’t understand his ways, or what he was really saying in our exchanges. His language in business is different to mine and at times we’ve had misunderstandings. That is, until tonight, St Paddy’s day, a Frog and a Big Sheila came together for a beer to talk a different language. What I would call “Human”.

We all use different turns of phrase to get our point across. I have my own special phrases that I’m well known for…
“Urgent” is definitely one of them – it means, when something is just a bit “out there” or over the top, or too much for some one to bare.
“Warm and Fuzzy” is another, which means, when things are just great, or I want you to know that I’m sending you love, or I’m loving what is going on.
“Good God Maria” is not necessarily religious, but it means, a slightly more Big Sheila “OMG”.

So many different nuances that all make up my “talk”. And you all have your own, or maybe they’re not words, they’re actions, or silly behaviour that all mean something…. To you, or to me, but we’re all supposed to “get it” because we know, or think we do.

I sat with my friend Dave recently talking about the difference between men and women and what we hear and don’t hear. Fascinating stuff really. I recalled a situation with a man who I thought was doing X and he said, “God no, Fleur, he’s saying Y, can’t you see that?”

I sat in a fishbowl with 16 men recently (yes I was the only woman) and I was debriefing with one of the big fish that was sharing his views on what one of the fish were doing in the session. His observations was definitely X, and until I shared that there was more M-N-O-P involved; because at my side of the fishbowl, the swimming action was so more peaceful and contented than what he saw at the top of the bowl, we agreed that there was no cause for concern of an X.

You say, "Tomato", I say, "Tomarto".
You say, "err blurr blurr, oui oui", I say, "ok got it"
I say, "yeah man", you say, "absolutely hate that"
I say, "cat got your tongue?", you say, "nup, I was born with one, just don’t wanna speak to you!"
I say, "you up for this?", you say, "yes"…. But mean no.

So many expressions, which can, to one, or someone else, be taken the right or wrong way.

People tell you what they want you to hear, because they don’t want to create a situation or maybe even hurt you. I’ve had someone say to me, “No I’m not going to marry that person”, but he knew they absolutely were. But they used that language because they didn’t want me to hurt me.....more than the reality of what was really going to happen? Or was it, that they didn’t know how to tell me in “human” language, “I’m getting married”.

Or when people say “I’m going to leave them for you”, but then their behaviour is completely the opposite to that piece of dialogue. There is always something that gets in the way, Easter, birthday, school, a wedding, and a holiday…. We all know some one that has been through this kind of translation problem.

The other side of translation is looking for the signs of what people do to back up their dialogue. Actions translate so well don’t you think?

So many expressions, different languages, different use of words, intonation, suggestion, or poor articulation all causes the end meaning, of what you hear, to be up for interpretation. You think X, they are saying Y and then the result is Z. Who wants Z? It’s the dud, the end, and the worst of the entire alphabet.

Until you might stop and ask - “What do you really mean? What do you want?”.
When someone tells you they don’t’ know, it means, they’ve made a decision. Indecision is a decision. Plain and simple.

I’ve sat with some new and very wonderfully coloured people in these last three days – and every-one of them spoke a different language. It’s been fascinating to listen to, watch and be a part of.

Financial
Frustrated
French
Furious
Cantonese
Curious
Shock factor
Fabulous
And unspoken

So many different languages and shades of human expression to translate; I don’t speak Mandarin, Italian, French or otherwise… Big Sheila is about all I do – but I can say, I’ve developed my vocabulary tremendously over these last few days. I’ve learnt a lot.

We can speak with tongues, action or our inaction. The other side of all of this, and this what I’m beginning to really love about life; is this - be open to hear it or if you’re a little hard of hearing as you get on in life, look for it. We can all become really healthy translators.


What do you want to hear?

Fleur
TBS

The Other Side of Feedback

I remember getting a report card from Boarding House mistress when I’m 14 saying I was an over zealous young lady and if I spent as much time on my studies as I did prancing around the boarding house singing and dancing I might just get some where in life. I distinctly remember thinking, BITCH, and wiped her off my favourite’s list. It was feedback that I couldn’t process very well at age 14. What’s more, the reality is, she didn’t say “I might just get somewhere in life”, what was written was “I might just achieve some significant grades at school”. She actually thought I was a very intelligent young woman with a lot of promise, and in her own way, was trying to encourage me to study to develop myself so I had choices in life. At age 14, I didn’t hear or see that, all I saw were criticisms.

Feedback, it’s such a powerful thing to have in your life, even when you think it’s bad, it’s good in many ways.

It is ratings appraisal time in the Big Brother House (my work) and everyone is looking for ratings contribution to pass to their Producer to say, “See, this is what I’ve contributed to this show this season”. Which like for all of us, has been an incredibly tough, grueling year to get good ratings through.

I’ve had about five house-mates send me requests asking for some words about how we’ve interacted in the house and what observations I can share about their performance. These rating reviews are all due at the end of this month, so of course, people are eager to secure places for next season and get paid on last seasons takings. I’ve been a little busy with my own ratings reviews lately, so I’ve not responded in a timely manner to my house-mates, which I must apologize for, because all of these people have actually had a significant bearing on my happiness and rating results in the Big Brother House.

Pretty selfish really, because when I asked them to help me win a challenge, or just find where the Loo paper is stored in this house, they were all there, reaching out with arms to make my day in front of the cameras special.

The other side of being selfish was my rating reviews were distracting me. My brother wrote in with some pretty scathing words for me to digest. In fact, it actually rocked me to my core. It was his perception on how the world perceived me, laced with some hefty and outrageous threats if I joined the Australian House hold any time soon. I was absolutely devastated; in my mind, I thought I would always have a place back in that household. It seemed not. His perception of me, in his words, was reality.

I guess this was reality TV after all, all raw and out there for all to make judgment. Ratings from people that you think you can rely on is super important, I think that is universal for all house-mates actually. So when one of your fans turns and tells you he’s always thought you were crap in your life performance, you start to feel the pressure of what the cameras can do to people in life. It really hits a nerve when viewers see what they want to see, or rather the cameras only show one angle of you, which might well be your bad side, and then your stereotype cast with it for life.

Is perception really reality? Is what someone or one person thinks of us the reality of whom and how we really are? I think not. It’s taken me a lot of soul searching this last week, and a tremendous amount of tears off the set, to realize that one man’s perception of me is from his lenses, or old footage that has lost it’s context in relation to the scenes played out today.

We do things in life that people judge, react poorly to or simply don’t understand why we’ve done it. So they, with the tools that they have at that moment in time, make an assessment of this situation, negative or otherwise, and for most people, that assessment is the blue print of what really lies beneath their opinion of you.

I chose to reach out to those viewers my brother referenced to support his rating review of my character, to ask them did they feel this strongly about me as a house-mate? Whilst I did not buy in to the heckle shouted from my brother, after some reflection I thought it was wise to ask for some honest feedback from these viewers, who I knew had also had turns in the house, so understood the pain of the heckling, yet maybe I didn’t see that they too were all standing in my blindside?

It made me think about some feedback a house-mate of mine Cubby, gave me when I first moved to Big Brother Asia. I’d been in the house for about a month, all enthusiastic and full of beans wanting to start a new life and get right into the action inside. Then one night, he took me aside and told me that I needed to calm down because I was scaring people. In my own words, he described me as being a little too urgent. This was valuable feedback. At the time, I was not a happy camper, and felt utterly deflated, thinking to myself, “Christ every one really is watching”. Fortunately, in months to come, it would become apparent that this was what happening. I was scaring the beejezus out of people. This is Big Brother Asia, and a 6ft+ loud Aussie bird that is slightly a bit too direct with my own feedback, was crossing all the boundaries and rules of this beautiful Big Brother show. I had to learn how to give face in the house. Very different rules in the Big Brother house in Oz let me tell you. Face? What the heck is that? In Australia, it’s all about get your “game face” on, and get on out there - but nooooo, not in this house hold. It was going to be long season.

My mother always says, when things aren’t going well for you, do something good for some one else and it will always change how you feel. So I set out to write my requested “feedback” statements to help my fellow house-mates.

I truly believe in life we just don’t compliment each other enough. You know, like telling some one you think they’re a beautiful person, and it doesn’t mean you want anything from them or get them into bed. Just because you can! And you believe it.

On Sunday night, I lay in my bed, and wrote a rating reference for my house-mate Cubby. I thought I would share it with you. I’m going to send it to some senior Producers in Big Brother too; there is some talk they might not renew his contract next season for the Asia show, as apparently there is some new gig in another region that that they think he’ll do well in. They’ve got it all wrong in my books; the demographic of that show just doesn’t suit his vibe. How do you think Clooney would do on the set of Sesame Street?

Here we go (slight adaptation to protect the innocent!)

Dear Producer,

I’ve had the great fortune to work with some incredibly inspiring people within Big Brother House and I would now add Cubby to this list. There are many seasoned house-mates in our business like Cubby that personify a set of core values and skills that have such a positive impact on the integrity of our show and our viewers experience of the Big Brother Brand. I believe that the Producers need to examine ways to improve the way we coach our House-mates and analyze how our top rating performers operate. If we are going to survive in this challenging environment, the differences our people make, like Cubby, will keep this show alive.

I really value Cubby’s approach to show business – he’s a supreme coach, and what he doesn’t know about this business isn’t worth knowing. He’s got such a passion for delivering his best performance, time after time, and I sincerely believe that working with Cubby has had a significant influence on how my ratings have increased in this season’s show.

I moved to Singapore late May 2009 to become a Big Brother House mate for SEA having starred in a season in the Australian series. Cubby took time out of this incredibly busy schedule to discuss at length some fundaments of the show that would give me the tools to succeed and get some good ratings. I’m not just referring to how to win points in the games to get food etc, more so, the overall emotional intelligence of how to survive as a new, forthright Australian woman, in the back drop of a rather tricky Neighborhood. He shared with me some observations about my character that would in months to come be vital for me to understand how to keep my place in the House.

Feedback is essential in these circumstances, and what observed was spot on and thankfully he pointed out what I needed but could not see at the beginning. In my experience, the Big Brother House can be rather adversarial at times, and what makes Cubby such an asset is he offers tips and advice to help the house-mates avoid the internal challenges.

Cubby has set aside time for me to brain storm and talk through my strategies to get the viewers to like what I had to say. I will say though, at times I found Cubby’s manner somewhat harsh and critical of my work (and have told him to get stuffed more than a few times), but maintain I am grateful to have a constructive push to encourage me to achieve better results in my performance. All too often, I see leaders in the House resist giving people valuable constructive feedback that ultimately will help our ratings improve. (Maybe it might help their ratings too?)

I’ve seen Cubby become the “go to” person in the house for general advice on the “how to” in show business. His work in front of the cameras speaks for itself, but to his credit, he has also given what little spare time he has left to support the other house-mates to highlight areas for consideration, share show business know how, or other ratings analytics to support the pursuit for more viewers in this region. Simply put, he offers some much needed plain old common sense that he’ll articulate in such a way that the “Big Brother Guide for Dummies” should publish it.

One observation I am particularly keen to make is that Cubby’s zero tolerance for poor service or mediocre housework has raised the bar and improved the quality-control Big Brother House SEA. Individuals have started to question and demand more from their fellow house-mates, and slowly a shift is taking place of our people not talking about “plain rice for dinner” or just “we don’t stock any toilet paper in the house”, rather spending time to talk to our public about what they’d like to get out of the show and make them switch on again and again, rather than turn the channel to Cable - because it’s cheap! Cubby is very passionate about the basic fundamentals of how to win higher ratings, and it very simple, get to know your audience.

The fact of the matter is, Big Brother is not a vanilla show, nor do the produces wish to be a cheap player in a much commoditized reality TV show market. Cubby’s approach that he ardently shares with his housemates, and the vision that has been demonstrated in the show he recently won, is to focus on taking the Big Brother Series right into the value space of Television, and far from vanilla reality TV dimension that so many Asian viewers perceive us to be in today.

The culture within Big Brother SEA is reflective of a very tired house, and with no scripts released yet from Producers for the next show, people like Cubby have become a fundamental strength at the core of our house.

I also believe that outstanding individuals like Cubby can also create monsters in the Big House; the more housework he does, the greater the level of expectations of what other tricks he can pull off, and then, the more pressure for Cubby to play up for the cameras.

Unfortunately there is only one of Cubby, and I have observed his struggle to balance his personal time in the Big Brother Room with his eagerness to give the public a good show. I hope next season, if they bring him back, he works on finding a greater focus on his personal life and recognizes that is as equally as important as the cameras. You can not kill the goose to get the golden egg, right!

He’s great fun both on and off the set of the house, a consummate professional, and a very caring genuine man with a mass of integrity. With a sharp Scottish wit and genuine interest in people he’s definitely become a high ratings character on the show. His emotional intelligence is well beyond most I’ve shared a house with before and in my experience, he has an uncanny ability to keep ten steps ahead of the game and indeed the producers. He’ll always win the game that gives you more than plain rice for dinner.

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed working with Cubby, and if you asked for my opinion, it would be great result to see Cubby make a come back in the next season of Big Brother. Although, with a twist, something unexpected, so it gives the viewers something worth watching!

Kindest regards,

The Big Sheila.

The reality is we’re not perfect all the time; and certain viewers might fixate on that “thing” you did, on that day, and then you’re screwed with ratings for a long time. They’re a fickle bunch out there. But then again, there are the die hard viewers that will tune in again tomorrow to see what your day holds and love the journey with you, they’ll tune in again, because they know you’re human.

Actually, Cubby’s been a royal pain the ass at times, but that will not stop me telling the Produces they’re mad to let him go to that another show, especially when our ratings have really started to pick up again here because of what he’s pulled off in front of the cameras. Nor will it stop me from letting him know he’ll be really missed if he leaves the house.

Go tell someone how you feel about them today – see what happens. And pay it forward, if someone does something lovely or wonderful for you, do something special for someone else. It makes the world go around.


Smile for the camera.

Fleur
TBS

The other side of the mirror

I have a couple of friends that like to mirror allot. It’s not about being vein, it’s more about mirroring behaviour to create a rapport. When I like blue they like blue, then grey or green. They do, suggest to feel or want just as I do. My initial thoughts have been that one side of this is a compliment, that these people must think I have good taste. The other side is frustrating, as I wonder why they can’t have an original thought of their own? Or is it really about that at all?

I also know people that take mirroring to another extreme. I call it “two sheds”. It basically means that when you talk about something you own or have, these people tell you they have an even better story, experience or bigger possession then the one you’ve just talked about or show-cased.

“I’ve got a shed in my back yard…”
“Oh really, I have two! And my sheds have blah blah blah…”

And what’s more, these types of people will always be sure to make mention of the item they know you’ve got in your shed but they’ve got the latest greatest one.

Whether it’s about sheds, men’s watches, the recent house purchase or even down to how much better their baby stroller is, this kind of mirroring is in my books is rather distasteful and in allot of cases, quite vulgar.

It’s a recognized psychological fact that mirroring body language can create rapport. Whether you’re in a board room, meeting someone for the first time or sitting next to someone at a bar; we can make it easier to create a link and a bond with the person if we mirror them. Most of us do it naturally, an innate reaction to the person you are interested to impress, sell to, influence or get into the sack. Fact. I’ve done it and I see people do it all the time in business. However, I now realising it’s time to take the blinkers off in the social world.

Rapport means literally, “The relation of mutual understanding or trust and agreement between people”. To build a space where we both, all feel comfortable with each other.

The other side of the mirror being used to build rapport is that it becomes a tool for men to carry in their imaginary man bags. Allow me to explain. And again, if you are not conscious of this, you soon will be once you have your next encounter.

With allot of men I’ve dated or some men that have wanted to become my surrogate boyfriend, I’ve had a common compliant that they are incapable of following through with anything.



“…..oh yeah, I want to start in life in Singapore, let’s do that.”
“….oh yeah, I’d love to do that cooking course with you, let’s do that”
“…oh yeah, I’m made keen on the Phuket Triathlon idea, let’s do that”
“….oh yeah, I’m doing a triathlon next year, let’s do that together”
“….oh yeah, I’m a writer, I’ve written 2 books and onto a third, I’ll show you…”
“…..oh yeah, I always planned to spend a year in Africa, let’s do that together…”
“….oh yeah, I love martini’s, in fact I’ve got two chilled glasses in my fridge….”
“….oh yeah, you just made duck curry, it’s my absolute favourite too, let’s do that together….”
“….oh yeah, I’ve always wanted to hike Mt Koto Kinabalu, let’s do that …..”
“…oh yeah, I’d love to catch up, let’s have dinner next week end…."


….. oh yeah…. I’m still waiting…. Well, not really, I’ve got on and done these things myself or with friends. But there I was thinking that we had so much in common, such a great connections, but they must have not liked me enough to follow through. And maybe they didn’t, but it’s far more apparent to me now that these men are masters of the mirror and had no intention on taking action. Their real motivation was purely to get me to desire them. What makes me laugh, is one of the Mr Oh Yeah's who said he was doing a triathlon wrote on his Face Book recently that “he’d prefer to do two hours of any other sport then go for a run”. Never a truer word spoken of a triathlete!

My friend Spencer said it perfectly the other day, talking about his new lady,
“…. I like this girl because she told me to F off and didn’t listen to my bullshit. Because Fleur, to be frank, it’s so easy to get what you want with women, you’ve just got to tell them what they need to hear….”

Whilst this does not apply to all men, a rather large proportion of the males species say all these “magic” words to create a space for us mere mortal woman to walk into. Then the game is on for men to have their way.

Now that I’ve cottoned on to this and I can sit back and have a giggle about what I’ve perceived as being “such wonderful connections”, a real giggle in fact. I have to admit, I did believe them; so that either makes me an A grade sucker or a very nice person, for time after time, I thought these men were as passionate as I was about the things that mattered to me. Mr Do Bee, holding the magic mirror, might tell me to get my head out of my ass right about now and just recognise it for what it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBxeCV0bIcU

When I was in the business of “fixing people” who were the lost dogs, I used to tell them to stand in front of the mirror naked and take a good look at them and recognise the who you are today.

This is an exert from a letter I wrote;

“I always say, "every day is a school day" – and right now you’re learning the survival module of the course. Interestingly though, I’ve learnt that survival doesn’t have to mean to endure loneliness nor does it mean to be deprived of intimacy. Of course there is a fine line here because of what we think we are emotionally capable of, but again, it’s all about learning. So while your learning these new lessons, take some time to have a good look at you. The mirror will reveal to you that extra grey hair in your goaty, that your left nipple is hanging slightly lower than normal (probably because it’s been tugged on a lot lately), a slightly cracked smile that is actually beautiful, or just that the creases between your eye brows are looking more pronounced. This is potentially how you’ll look for a while - potentially. But I encourage you to acknowledge your current shape now because I can assure you that some time soon, with some patience and opening yourself up to accepting a lot of support and love that is on offer around you - you’re your smile will be super wide, that belly will push out an addictive and contagious laugh, your smile lines will be deep, you torso strong, your nipple upright and those balls will be clutching up again repetitively …… and all with out effort or pain. You will have found your balance and your peace.”

If I was still in the “fix it” game, I would tell the Mr Oh Yeah’s to go have a good look, as the mirror doesn’t lie – it will not show an image of a man standing there decked out in a Robert Redford safari suit, in brand new trainers, wearing a chefs hat, sipping on a Martini and holding two tickets to Borneo. Rather, appreciate what you see, with all of your natural, native colours, and when you next meet a beauty, tell her about that. Surely the prize can still be won this way, maybe even more?

It is funny how much women obsess over how they look. Fixating over their appearance, causing anxiety and personal exhaustion to keep what they see in the mirror looking just right all in the name of desire. Yet, why has it not been exposed that there is a crusade of men, nationwide, globally in fact, that are all as desperate to change the “look in the mirror” because of something they want…. to be desired?

Boy, girl, man, woman, scare, strong, buff venier exterior, soft as a marsh-mellow interior, boobs, balls, bums and a whole lot of wonderful colours. And with your partner, you just might find that you have an abundance of similarities when you are brave enough to stand in front of the mirror together.

The other side of this is now that I’ve got new eyes with mirrors, my dating life may be completely ruined, or I could actually stop wasting time with the disingenuous. So if you spot me yawning across the table whilst on a date, you know I’ve clocked him as a Mr Oh Yeah, and just maybe after I shake off the yawn, I’ll have some fun with it and see how much mirroring he’s really prepared to do! This could be fun, or incredibly evil. I’ve always loved Tourvil and Dean….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2zbbN4OL98

When we stand in front of the mirror we are all relatively the same you know. It’s how we behave when we are not in front of the mirror that is the key. Or as the great Michael Jackson said "...if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make a change....." Such a great song....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgtWIx2zLtk


Fleur
TBS