The other side of the Money Shot

Come on people, get your game face on, that’s the ticket, smile for the camera baby, say cheese, pucker up butter cup and smile for me! Are you on Facebook?

Facebook has cornered the perfect market for that perfect money shot, which is clean and dignified. Clean, meaning, there are filters in place so people don’t get a little over zealous and post large photo’s of Ron Jeremy as their profile picture. Instead it’s a wonderful way to display a perfect shot of “just you”, or something that represents your character, a Kodak moment or symbol that you're proud to be viewed by the third largest population in the world. Yes that’s right, Facebook is now considered the 3rd largest populated community in the world, outside of China and India.

People send photos, share moments and experiences all across the world. It’s brilliant, but it got me thinking about how much the digi age has changed absolutely everything that we do in life and how we communicate with each other. Dates, events, meetings and business leads are now all shared over Facebook, Instant Messenger and Text. More and more people are asking each other out on dates over the wire. Then what is becoming more worrying, all the rules are changing. What is considered "right and wrong" is such a blurred line nowadays over the wire. Couples are now “getting it on” with so much as a photo shared between, not even a coffee. Let me tell you, I’m discovering that phone sex is now considered passé and it’s all about text-sex, so get with the program people, a new dawn is coming.

Recently a girlfriend of mine, let’s call her Jill, was been having a text relationship with a strapping young lad in the UK. We’ll call him “Jack the Lad”. A text-sex-a-thon you might call it. Starting out all innocent and, “hi, how you doing today, been thinking of you”, then moving to, albeit rather quickly to Jack sending Jill a “naughty shot”. Our UK lad took the bold move to send across a shot of himself under the covers and then asked for one MMS'd in return. It shocked and equally titillated my somewhat conservative pal. However, that promptly opened the doors to other side of her once thought shy but charming, slightly dorky Jack the Lad. Soon their “hello darling how are you”, became, “imagine me…., as I….., as you….., as we….., then….”. Hot, hot, hot under the collar stuff, so much so, that she’d be sitting in a car on the way to work, blushing at her Blackberry, having to explain herself away to her car pool buddies. In different time zones, they’d text back an forth, keeping each other “warm” at night, or “hot” in the morning. However you looked at it, it was night and morning glory.

Technology has taken on a whole new dimension in our lives. It’s made us a generation, or generations of impatient people. Even the “three date rule” seems to be circumvented by the use of a mobile phone and digital technologies. Like I said, people are “at it” before they’d even clapped eyes on each other these days. How does that work? I don’t know, but apparently it just does.

My mate Norman tells me that nowadays the Gen Y’s are sending naughty photos of each other over the wire daily and he went so far as to say, girls are asking to “see it” on text before they’ll use it (or ride it, how ever your mind works?). It’s extraordinary really when you think about it. I scoffed and said “no way”, but he assures me he’s seen it first hand, that his mates and younger brothers have a Friday night “show and tell” at the boozer, slide shows akimbo of the ladies submissions that week. What has the world come to? Thankfully our Jill never had the gumption to send a return shot of any kind.

The other side of asking for more on text is some of us, although wish to be naughty, haven’t quite got over the conservative hump of sex in the bedroom not the Blackberry. Therefore, in a bid to keep up, have become more like screaming social fopars than the free and sexy individuals all floating around in this new age of sexual digital liberation. I think my darling friend Jill was a generation too late, and although sleeps with her Blackberry she’s absolutely not Gen Y, she’s just a hot Muma who is conservative but slightly experimental, and fortunately or not so, is a part of a more saucier pose than she. One night after far too many wines, she divulged the text affair to one of these more Sassy friends, who encouraged her to take it one step further and see what this wicked boy was capable of.

“Shock him, surprise him and make him think” the Saucier Sassy said. “Ask him for a "c o ck shot"!”
“What? NO, I can’t do that”
“Oh yes you can, ask him for a "cock shot" and see what he does, that way you’ll know if he’s man or mouse! And darling, if this is something that he really does all the time, he’ll be back in a jiffy with some of the best numbers from the files in his iPhone”
“Ahuh – I don’t do that kind of thing….”
“Go on, every one is doing this these days, where have you been?”

Two bottles of wine, a little push and Jill sent the text to Jack the Lad.

When your coach tells you to do something you generally listen, you take action and you work towards becoming a better person. When a schoolteacher tells you to do your homework, you did it; because you were told to. We all allow people with authority to come into our life to teach us lessons, show us things, and help us understand more about ourselves and life.

Then other side here is, that authority figure that gave you what seemed like really sound advice, can also create an outcome that wasn’t in the slightest bit what you wanted or hoped would happen. And just maybe, if you had not done what they advised and continued on your merry way, you wouldn’t be in that new uncomfortable (shitty) situation. No one gets it right 100% of the time and if you think you do, you’re boring and arrogant. The greatest bullshit buzzword of our times is “lessons learnt” – from all those wonderful fuck ups you had through your life that either take you one way or another. But the greatest thing about fucking up is it inevitably always takes you somewhere.

When you have a text relationship with someone, there is no way of telling how he or she has received your message, or intention. You can’t flutter an eye lid, pout your lips, throw your boobs out across the table, or lift your wine glass slowly and tip your head to expose your neck line to the man… it’s just there in black and white… “Send over a "c ock shot"”. Jill never heard from Jack the Lad again.

Like I said, some of us just aren’t at the sexual digi age, and whilst we can now laugh about it over a vino, Jill was mortified about taking the advice of her saucier sod mate, who lead her up the hill to seek more full frontage from a guy she hardly knew. Equally, I bet our boy Jack didn’t see that one coming at all, maybe he ran out of credit, or maybe he got hit by a car, regardless I can’t help but feel for Jill, the radio silence has been deafening. Her Blackberry will be plain texts all the way from now on.

And by the way, the other side of that nursery rhyme is Jill was bloody flowing Jack’s lead up the hill, just so he could be all manly and fetch the pale of water. He was the dickhead that fell over and it all turned to shit, so what is a girl to do? Jill came tumbling after…. Oh yes she did. Work with what you have ladies!

Jack and Jill texted a thrill, across the sea and water, Jack got down, Jill broke his crown and there in lies a text-a-thon-sexual disaster.

Know your limits and sense check all the worldly advice that you’re given, we all think we’re “Wikipedia” at times, but honey, my truth might not be yours. Question everything and remember, not everything that glitters is gold. And for god’s sake, when you’re smiling for the camera, just remember - everything out in Digi-land is traceable, viral in a second and can be forwarded on in one click.

I’m positive I said to a boy in the 3rd Grade, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!”


What ever rocks your boat people! Bowshackawowwow!

Fleur

TBS